AUGH

Last night I kept waking up and going back to sleep pretty much all night. At one point a Jimi Hendrix song popped in my head (There's got to be a way out of here . . .) and I just laid there.

I looked at my mirror on top of the dresser and see someone moving in the shadows . . . a sliver of light hit it.

I quickly turned to face it.

He turned to me.

I froze in fear.

He jumped on my bed growling.

I woke up.

I wish . . .

I wish I could learn from what I know. Like moments are more precious that gifts. Cause gifts can and will be returned by people. Or they may not want them.

I wish I could change people's minds. But that's impossible. So, even though you are frustrated, you go on and let it be. How they react is not your doing.

I wish I knew why.

I wish I could have an answer every time.

I wish they knew how scared I felt. How terrified I felt at the thought of losing them. At the thought that I didn't do enough for them. At the mere idea that maybe I could have done more. Or maybe been there more. Or just more.

I wish I could talk about it. But talking about it makes me feel worse. Impending doom on the horizon.

I wish I could cry every time I feel this way.

I wish it wouldn't hurt.

I wish I could see past it.

I wish the lump on my throat and the weight on my chest would go away.

Adventures in gift giving

Let's see if I can explain . . . and if it makes ANY sense. So, I decided to buy my folks a flat screen TV. Their TV is old, the colors are blending, the image is not sharp . . . well, its about time. So, we went to Walmart for some other stuff.

We walk over to the TVs. I tell them, "OK, which one do you like and which one would be better? This one or this one? (pointing out a couple of flatscreens)"

Mom: "Oh, don't do that. It is not necesssary"

Me: "Yes it is. That TV is old"

Mom: "But its working fine. Use the money for something you need."

Me: "I need to buy you this."

Mom: "No, no. Don't do that. Its fine"

Dad meanwhile is quiet.

After a bit of back and forth same argument . . .

Mom: "OK, we need a computer"

Me: "That's about $2000. I did not PLAN on that. I made plans for something else. I had it all figured out and planned out."

Mom: "Save the money. Put it in your savings and use it for something else. For your train rides here."

Me: "Yeah, like a train ride costs $350"

Dad: "I think the TV is bolted into the cabinet"

Me: "Never heard of that dad"

Mom: "No, really. I think it is"

Me: "Fine, we'll put it like I have mine . . . on TOP of the old TV"

Dad: "But the TV fits into that cabinet so well. It'll have a space at the top cause that flat screen is smaller"

Me: "Mom can fill it in with her fake plants and flowers."

really, their best argument is that stupid cabinet and a hole?

I tried to explain that what I heard was "No, we don't want you giving us a present. We don't want it."

Finally I told them to drop it. Don't want to hear it.

Mom: "The best present we have is you . . ." (yada, yada, yada . . . I know the rest of the story).

Me: "I said drop it"

Mom: "OK, sorry."

Why are parents so difficult?!

Honestly . . . here was my plan . . . a flat screen TV, plug in my computer (I have a LOT of movies in Spanish), easy and fun TV watching and family time AND they end up with a much better TV.

Side note: At least mom allowed me to buy an adaptor to go from my computer to their old TV.

And a funny note - mom mentioned that they could use a new remote cause their old one did not work. I had to say "Oh, for that ancient TV that you two have that works so well?"

A few things I have learned

It has taken me 51 years but I think I got the hang of some things (yah, right). Specially when it comes to parents . . . and to elderly parents the most:

One, live in the now. Today, after dinner at my sister's, we were on our way home. No official fireworks out here. Too damp and wet. BUT there were some in the vicinities and off we went on the hunt for fireworks. And found some, and got a little lost, and mom freaked out cause it was foggy. And started with "turn around, turn around." And got tense and practically straight out of the seat . . .

Anyhow, just another moment with my folks. I learned that I need to enjoy them. The moments. Them too. Its frustrating at times but I do. Not by thinking "they are going to die so enjoy them" but by thinking "they are a gift, enjoy them."

Two, can't change them . . . the moments or the parents. My folks are basically 80 years old (mom keeps reminding us that she is a little younger than dad) and at times they seem not quite there, or they take longer to walk, or they need those instructions written out so they can do it again, or they marvel at the fact that you figured out how to solve some problem . . . enjoy it. You won't change them. They'll change you. Thats part and parcel of this living thing. People change you, and your folks still have the power to change you.

Three, you will face some tough issues. One of the toughest for me is my own mortality. I am going to live forever (I decided) so I can avoid that thought. Some people embrace it like no one's business. I avoid thinking about it as much as I can. And don't ask me to talk about it, cause I just don't like to do so.

Four, a walk away does wonders for your patience. I'm just saying.

Five, the more she keeps wishing you lived nearby, the tougher it will be so say goodbye (or se you later). Mom has a way of making me feel guilty cause I live in Austin and not in Norman. But I have a life and a profession in the ATX. Some day it will change and I'll be in Norman Town, OKie land . . . meantime, call as much as you can.

Six, call as much as you can. Just saying. Helps to cover the miles.

Seven, God invented cameras, God updated to digital cameras - take loads and loads of pictures. Even those that you will never share cause they show a side of your folks you don't want others to see. They will come in handy one day. They will be amazing one day. And hell, they are digital. Save them on the external hard drive and move on.

OK, so I am not an expert. Just learning. But I wanted to share for anyone who may read this. Or maybe just for myself.

I am a train traveler convert

I wrote most of this on the train - my first train trip in the USA. Did it today, August 8 . . . from Austin to Norman, OKie land.

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So I decided to take the train from Austin to Norman. It costs a bit more than going by car, and it takes longer, its cheaper than plane (I am guessing, I never did check) . . . it seems definitely worth it.

The train station in Austin seems a bit of an abandoned building, but, hopefully, Lucy (my car) will be fine there for the week. Got there early, way early. Blame the travel jitters. I saw my fellow travelers there. Much more than I expected. I did hear the engineer say that this would be a full trip.

I can deal with this kind of full.

Right now I am in Temple, Texas, a smoking stop for the train and to get new passengers. Speaking of, it is not as crowded as a plane (read: not sardine cans here). The aisles are unbelievably wide. The seat reclines so far back you can actually sleep comfortably in it. The gentleman in front of me has. He falls asleep every few seconds and snores himself awake.

His wife just made him sit up straight from now on.

Behind me, someone is listening to Louie Armstrong and sleeping.

And, the coup de gras, there is so much astonishing leg room. You know how much you wish you could get those front seats on economy on the plane? Sure you do. You know, the ones usually given to the pregnant woman or the dad with two kids. Roomier than that. You know how in the front of the plane, those lucky bastards of first class can actually stretch out their legs? Try a little more.

They do have a dining car (take THAT planes!) . . . burgers, pizza, beer, wine. Reasonable prices. Seriously. You’d expect to pay about $7 for an Angus beef burger, right? Am sure there is some trick to it, but I don’t care. I can actually eat in here.

There is an observation car with nothing but windows wrapping themselves all around you. Since it is on the upper deck, the view is amazing.

AND you can walk around from car to car. Sit pretty much anywhere; once you claim it, it’s yours. At your own risk, of course, cause these puppies move from side to side quite a bit – almost like a cruise ship. But no seat belts for turbulence.

Right now, to get in the mood, I am listening to “This is Big Band.” It is a new band that plays swing style, 40s type big band music. Just seems to go hand in hand with the whole travelling by train routine.

And if my battery decides to start running out, no need to worry, there are plugs conveniently placed next to you.

I am reserving a final judgment until I get to Norman. I have a stop over in Ft. Worth and then a non-stop to Norman, OKie land. In the mean time . . . there is a burger, or even a pizza, with my name on it and the dining cart is open.

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Just had a great Angus beef burger (with FREE cheese), chips and a drink ($7.77 – in case that interests you). Because of the way the tables are set, for more than just one person, you get to share your table with someone if you dine alone.

Met a fellow traveler – Frank – he is headed out to Duluth via Chicago and St. Paul’s. His trip will be an overnight trip so he got a sleeper. He is what I call the preacher of the train travel. Frank told me about a trip he made when he was 13 or so. His parents decided he needed to experience new things and they went on a two-week train trip called the American Express.

He traveled from Chicago, around California, through the Grand Canyon and even into Tijuana. It was basically a trip all around the U.S.

He did say that this was one the few good things his parents did for him. Although it would have made a great conversation I decided not to pursue that topic and stuck to talking about train rides.

He lives in San Antonio but travels to visit family and he does it by train every time. Sure, you can’t help but go by plane when you are talking over seas. Frank mentioned that the last time he went anywhere by plane was probably 2 or 3 years ago.

The one word that Frank used to describe train travel sticks in my mind because it fits so well: civilized. No canned fish on an overcrowded plane, no checking and double-checking your identity, no having to wait to get to the airport to find some food, and no getting to your destination all disheveled and tired because the traffic on the interstate was horrendous.

Have I mentioned how much roomier these seats are?

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I do have to add a caveat . . . beware the weirdoes in the Fort Worth station. You have your train travelers but also your bus riders . . . and we know those, right?

While I was sitting at the station, some woman was staring at me, while sitting next to me. I turned to face her and she said "I don't know why she asked me. I haven't decided what to do. I come here to decide what to do. I haven't decided yet. I am deciding. So why does she ask me what I want to do?"

Smile and nod. Smile and nod.

(To me - while staring and smiling) "You look like a rocker"

"Am not"

"I know. But your ears are pierced" (I only have one, she assumed the other)

Finally, she slowly scooted and swung her legs and off she went.

Guess she decided.

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Overall I will give the experience a 100, A+, whatever you want to call it. Loved it.

By the way, I am checking on Thanksgiving and Christmas trips also.

Flashbacks

Its been a weird day.

I have no idea why, maybe its the humidity or the sun and breeze or the building I'm working summer school . . . I have been flashing back to Puerto Rico ALL morning. I mean like I expect to hear Spanish and see green luscious trees, gorgeous bright and colorful flowers, a warm breeze. The dark rain laden clouds running around today did not help.

The building made me flashback to the Universidad de Puerto Rico . . . I expected to see the familiar buildings, the people, the cacophony of noise, the fried food smell. Oh I want one of those ham, cheese and fried egg sandwiches now.

Driving home I was looking for the traffic, the insane no rules driving, the huge amount of people moving everywhere.

There's a Spanish word . . . añorar . . . a deep full hearted feeling of longing for something . . . THAT is the best description I have for it. Añoro a Puerto Rico. I long for the island breezes, the beaches, the warm and humid days, the insanity of so many people in one little place, the friendly people everywhere.

Maybe I'm just longing for the past. For the time I lived there. For those easier going times and having little cares. Maybe I am just getting too old.

I miss the island living. Its different from continental, mainland living. Its the feeling that this is all there is, there is no more, there is no way out, so live it up as best you can with who you can and when you can. That weird "No exit" type of thinking creates some strange behavior. So why do I want that?

Maybe I AM longing for a simpler life. For the past when I did little and enjoyed more. Maybe I just miss it, it is a nice place after all.

Its just weird.

Of course, once I am there (not saying I'm running away to it here), I will start to remember the things I didn't like about it.

But still.

Maybe its just my grandparents around me longing to go back there. Or maybe they are calling me to go there for some weird reason.

Have no idea where it came from. But it head slapped me really fast and it won't leave easily.

I think I'll go to sleep with the sounds of El Coquí tonight.

National Health Insurance

According to statesman.com:

"Every month, 24,070 Texans are losing their health care coverage, according to a report released today by an advocacy group.

The report by Families USA, which advocates for quality, affordable health coverage for all Americans, comes as Congress is weighing health care reforms pushed by President Barack Obama.

The report says that between January 2008 and December 2010, 6.9 million Americans lost or will have lost health coverage, including 866,580 Texans."

With all this, people are still up in arms about this, totally against it. Why? I don't understand. Socializing Medicine? What's so bad about that if it saves lives? The economy is destroying people's lives. People can't afford health insurance, businesses can't (or won't) pay for it.

Things are bad right now. We need to help people. I heard on a TV show "If you hurt one, you hurt all." If we allow one to be hurt, if we allow one to suffer, if we allow and turn away from someone needing our help, we hurt ourselves by becoming calloused and allowing people to be hurt by all this.

I'm glad and happy for some that the economy has not hurt them. I am blessed to know that, no matter what, education will always be needed, so I will have a job. Insurance? So far, so good, but you never know. I want to know that I can fall back on something.

I see my parents paying HUGE amounts for their insurance. And it will only get worse. Why can't they have a government issued insurance to help them get by. Medicare is NOT an insurance policy. It merely pays part of what they have to pay, a small part.

We will all be there at some point folks.We will be old. We will be considered too much of a risk and therefore uninsurable. We will pay huge amounts for crappy service. We will all need something else to help us.

We won't be healthy and working forever.