My dog is a veloci raptor

I may have to cut this little shin-ding short. My dear dog, Federico has, like any good raptor, found a weakness in the fence system. He is getting out. TWICE he's been out. TWICE his guardian angel has put him back with me.

Now I may have to cut this trip short because I am not going to put Jeff through this mess. 

Mom hates it - she has decided to dive head long into cooking something for me to take. A complicated dish. One that takes all fracking day.

Dad is trying to maintain.

Mom is now in the bathroom. I know she is crying.

Damn.

My addiction

I heard it. And my heart raced. My blood pressure went up. My anxiety level rose, ever so slowly, to greet it.

The familiar heart beat, clock ticking, beeping sound.

I think I even salivated a bit.

My addiction began two or three seasons ago. At first it was all the action. Then the intrigue and betrayal. Then the finding of the weak sniveling ones. The getting rid of the ones against THE ONE. Then the resolution, which brought sadness as well as joy. Which brought action like never before, but a deep sorrow that Jack would not be coming back next week. 

It drove me mad to think that I would have to wait for a whole year. That there would be no repeats. That Monday nights would feel so empty without the heart beat, clock ticking, beeping sound.

But now it is back and my addiction has kicked in. I feel it. I feel the need for the heart beat, clock ticking, beeping sound. I feel the need for Jack Bower. I feel the need for intrigue and action. I feel the need to find the easy, wimpy, sniveling targets that must disappear.

Its coming back. And I am all the happier for it.

Go check out the first "episode." If you are addicted, it will all rush back.

Wow

I am SO damned confused these days. Like today . . . we went to Mass then off to a friend's house for late lunch (around 2 PM). The lunch was full of great caribbean flavor (food, spices and music). The talk turned to how good the people in that silly little island have it. So while I am having a conversation about New York, New York (the city so nice they named it twice) and Broadway, etc. I can hear the music shaking me in my hips because its all I can do not to dance right there.

Then back here to mom and dad's.

Then off to my sister's to see a movie that, well, belongs to my parents and my niece Anamaría borrowed - so basically I told mom you are going to see your movie at their house.

And then off to get some meds for mom.

And back here.

And all the while my mind keeps going places. First the caribbean. Then OKie land. The Austin (the store reminded me of ATX). Then back out in the cold to see mom and dad. Back here to my bedroom/dad's office . . . I miss my waterbed so damned much!

At least they are doing well. Mom and dad are fine. They ARE getting old. Dad is slowing down a lot and the stuff he is taking is making him fatter and slowing him down more. Mom is still moving right along.

I keep looking around and thinking . . . one day . . . the phone call I dread . . . "Your dad has died" Cause I honestly believe he will go first.

Who knows? I've been wrong before.

For real?

I know they are supposed to be somewhat realistic . . .

but nipples on the guys mannequins?

And pointy too?

Bizarre.

More mannequin fun

Been a while, I know. I have to add these pictures before I catch you up with more stuff.

So I went to Macy's in OK City. 

Is she giving me the stink eye? I mean, honestly. That is so damned rude!

Sorry

I apologize for not blogging. I am SO tired from teaching and working extra hours for these kiddos. I am trying to get some of them to pass an old grade. We are doing something called "Summer School Now" and it is a credit recovery class. I have eight kiddos and they have to get the credit for Spanish 1. How do you fail Spanish 1?! I mean, really, it is SO easy. Anyhow, I get home kind'a late and I am way tired. I will blog soon. Promise.

Good News

Wow. Its been quite a while. I hit the ground running over here. School started last week and I can't believe how tired I got right away.

Well, as stated in the title, good news indeed. I will copy what my sister said on her email so you can read the good news yourself:

First piece of news -- the whole fiasco with the handicapped parking application ended up being a huge mistake by the doctor, and she apologized profusely. I never did bring it up to mom & dad, but talked to the doctor directly (she's also my family physician) who assured me that when she filled out the application she was thinking of a different couple who comes in together to see her -- and not of mom or dad, so no need for concern with dementia right now... thanks be to god.

Well, that's one large little mistake there. Anyhow, now about mom:

#1 --here's what I heard her say about the breast cancer: 1.5 cm in size (not really big)
type -- duct infiltrating
nodes were negative
no metastases
estrogen positive
progesterone positive
HER 2 negative

this all means that it is a stage one -- and her chances of recurrence are 20 to 25 percent after surgery -- doing hormone blocking therapy pills cut this percentage in half

here's another important part -- studies have shown than in women over the age of 70 whose surgery was a lumpectomy (partial masectomy) and who have hormone therapy, radiation and/or chemo seem to be of no more help in changing recurrence. BUT she first wants to do another test (where she sends mom's tumor to the pathology lab) to make sure this is the case (it's a new test, only been used in the last one or two years)

#2 -- about the lymphoma -- hers is called "follicular lymphoma" -- it's non-Hodgkins, low grade (slow growing)

chances are that it's not going to be a problem -- it's a non-curable, but you can live with it for 10 or 20 years

mom's CAT scan showed nothing on the lymph nodes in chest and neck, but she has some shadows in her abdomen

Doctor's suggestion is to do nothing for now, and repeat the scans in four months to see if anything has changed, grown etc.

#3 -- the bottom line even with both cancers -- is just to watch and see how mom does, if anything else develops -- and if this last test of her tumor affirms the doctor's view -- to give mom hormone blocking pills -- I HAVE NOT HEARD ANYTHING ABOUT THE RESULTS OF THIS TEST.

#4 -- our father is taking hormones that in effect make him a "woman" (hot flashes etc) and our mother is taking hormone blockers -- I find that kid of funny :-)

I find that funny too. Quite the flip flop there.

And on those bit of news, I say

Bueno, bye.

Back in the ATX

Made it back to Austin.

My poor little Lucy - she's gone through a lot of traveling. I should explain that Lucy is my car. Its a pretty old red car - Mazda Protege. Since she's a red head and I'm Cuban, I could only name her Lucy.

I have had so many emotions with all this with mom and dad. I was talking to a friend tonight about it. It just seems like they will be there forever since they have been there all of your life. It does not seem like they will ever go away. Its so strange realizing that they will go away. As a Christian I do believe I will get to be with them again. Its just that I am going to miss them terribly when they do go.

And it really seems like they will go soon. I mean, how do you fight something that is bound and determined to take your parents away. Let's see - mom has TWO major cancers going, dad has one and possibly Alzheimer's. They both have elevated blood sugar. They both don't exactly eat well. The list is there and it seems that all is going against them.

One of my mom's friends almost made me cry one day. See, I worry about them and that they have some way to be taken care of. My sister is good at it, but she has her health and things to deal with also. Like I was saying, we were just standing around talking about nothing major. This woman looked at me and she said, "Don't worry about your parents. We take care of them like they were our own parents." I had a lump in my throat. I tried hard not to cry. I think she noticed cause she gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

I watched the movie Bella tonight at church (Youth Group - I'm one of the adults involved in the group). Watching this family on screen I came to the realization that I may not have that whole family reunion, dinner together, fun and heart warming times for much longer. Oh, I do have my sister and her family but it just doesn't feel the same. She is Americanized and my Latino heart just doesn't feel the feeding that I do at home with my parents, or on one of their dinners.

There are so many emotions going through me right now.

Sadness. Heartfelt gratefulness. Fear. Joy.

I think of them every day and every night. I wonder how they will get along there without me doing stuff for them or watching out for them.

They've been doing it without me for a while - I think they may be able to continue without me.

I better stop now. I think I may have a good cry and get on with life. Teachers start tomorrow and I will be talking about all this with them. All good friends that worry about me.

Bueno Bye.

Old folks like old cars

and when I saw this Pontiac Firebird, my heart went all a flutter.

"What a piece of junk!"
Luke Skywalker

"She'll make point five past lightspeed. She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid. I've made a lot of special modifications myself."
Han Solo

Lettuce or a dollar bill? You decide.

Macy's sense of humor

Gotta love it.

Coming attractions

Tomorrow is María's birthday. We get to eat Italian food since that is what she wants. She's been on an interesting kick - she has been getting acupuncture for the pain and now is into a "healthier" life style with a few new teas and a diet consisting of mostly fish, even though Michael does not like fish. Wonder how Italian food fits into this.

Went shopping today at Macy's - one of the last few that has survived in OK city. Got some clothes by this brand I never heard of before - Cubavera. Great shirts.

Thursday is mom's appointment to get a full body scan. She is not looking forward to it. She hates that scanner. Told her that if she wanted I'd set up one of the iPods with music to relax. She nixed it.

Hoping to leave here by Thursday so I can have the weekend to get back into the ATX way and back to school on Monday. Mom wants me stay Thursday night and leave Friday. This is the same woman who is concerned about me driving without AC.

OK, After this I'll add some pix. Enjoy.

Bueno Bye.

Pandora ain't got shite on me

Fixing your car AC the first time - $60

Going back and doing it again - $80

Realizing that you did this to make your mom happy and that you may have just realized there is more to this than you thought - priceless.

Pardon me while I whip this out.

This one is some random thoughts that I haven't shared - Caffeine is not needed. I honestly can't believe I wrote that but its true. I have had no caffeine in a while. My Mormon friends would be happy. A few think that will be the jumping point to becoming a Mormon. Yah, like the whole idea of a planet after you die doesn't sound confusing enough.

Lucy is back in the shop cause there is a leak in the AC. Should not be too bad or too expensive.

Learned to make mojitos. Get ready. Will be making some for parties.

Weird little dreams all over the place. A few have to do with a friend that recently contacted me after months of being "out of service." Others, I know have to do with the paranoid feeling I get while noticing my parents age and my own approach at mortality.

I Love Lucy is funny is Spanish - specially when they make Ricky sound Cuban. Yes, we Cubans have a "special" little accent when we speak Spanish.

I am determined that I must get my Master's and that I HAVE to go back to Spain. I miss it way too much.

Bueno bye.

PS - the picture . . . I took it at my doctor's clinic. One of them has a great sense of humor.

My, my, how things change.

For those of you that want to know about mom and dad - strap on . . . bumpy ride.

Mom and Dad applied for a handicapped permit, since it is somewhat difficult for dad to get around. Well, apparently they lost the first form. They got another one and they assured my sister and I that they did send it in.

So my sister calls me and wants to see me. She had a form for the handicapped permit, for Mom and Dad, filled out by the doctor. The form was signed and, there was a spot where the doctor was asked if there was any reason this person would be considered dangerous while driving.

She had checked yes.

Reason given? Alzheimer's Dementia.

Dad.

Now, I don't see it. Dad is just as forgetful as he has always been. Mike and Maria assure me that there seems to be more. I haven't seen it.

Back to the discussion: Maria called the doctor and she was told this was a mistake. Now, according to my legalistic brother in law, Mike, there could be three reasons for that:

1. The doctor made a mistake. A whopper of a mistake if you ask me!

2. The doctor said that to calm Maria down or to not tell her anything since, by privacy laws and what have you, they can't.

3. The information is true and Mom and Dad have decided not to tell us. This rings true since they do that kind of thing all the time.

Oh, yes, how this affects me and my future has been riding around in my head. But I'll leave that pony alone and move on.

Dad said he got life insurance. But he has not shown me any policy. I need to see it because this is important. I hope he's not making it up. Or worse, this is a trick from the disease . . . if he has it . . . I hate the ambiguousness of it all.

Recap: Mom has two cancers in her body right now - breast and lymphoma. Dad has a sleeping prostate cancer and may or may not have Alzheimer's.

Their parking permit came in today.

Can the Beaver come out and play?

I have to share some images of the neighborhood. 

Keep up - I'll write something on this side, the pictures should show up on the other side.

This whole area is like a Leave it to Beaver type area. Very wholesome looking. Norman Rockwell would love this place. The view here is from Mom and Dad's front porch looking across the street - cue in the Beaver music.

Not too bad, but you have to understand, for a big city kid, this kind of living just seems so far from normal, far from what I am used to living . . . a bit Twilightish if you ask me.

One thing for them though . . . weather changes here SO fast . . . and the clouds here are amazing!

I have also added a picture that, if found out, will probably mean one less cuban on the face of OKie land  . . . Mom giving Dad a haircut. Yup, that's them. I'm sorry, it is so heartwarming to me. I see that and I see a couple that has been doing this kind of thing for each other for years. I would not be surprised if they go around the same time . . . or even at the same time.

BTW, they seem to be doing well. Mom has not been doing any big effort and Dad has been doing all the cooking. We had a small "moment" today. Dad made some picadillo, normally eaten with rice. He asked me what I wanted. I said pasta. I made the pasta the way I like it . . . yup, if you've kept up, al dente. Oh, mom thought it could have cooked longer. I was a bit of an asshole about it asking her if she liked it.

Otherwise, we have been enjoying movie nights. Watched Zorro a couple of nights ago (in Spanish, of course) and we have been watching I Love Lucy (DVD sets) in Spanish. Laughter is good for them. I enjoy hearing them laugh out loud, almost to the point of not having any breath . . . it feels good to hear them enjoying themselves.

Watched the opening of the Olympics tonight. Wow. The spectacle was Disneyeske.

Life is cheap in OKie land

My car (pictured here with my dog in the back) needed some repairs. So, since I am here in this foreign land until around the 14th or 15th, I figured, what the hell?

What would have cost around $500 in the ATX became $135 here in OKie land. Granted, these guys are true mechanics, something of a dying breed in other areas. My sister always says that nothing dies, it just goes to Oklahoma. They still have a drive-in theater here. They have some gas stations that are basically non existent anywhere else (remember the dinosaur logo for some gas station? He's here)

BTW - no more noisy muffler and the AC works on it. Mom wanted me to fix it since she seems to think that driving on the highway (at 70 mph) does not help against the heat. There goes my gas mileage.

Mom and Dad seem to be doing well. Mom has a doctor's appointment next week to check on the surgery. I am making sure that mom does VERY little. Which is VERY difficult since she wants to do a whole lot for the people that have done things for her. There are meals delivered here pretty much every day. Leftovers is kind of an international smorgasbord - from typical all American to Bolivian or Venezuelan meals.

I find myself looking at all their stuff and thinking . . . how will we get rid of it all after they die? There is SO much stuff. And that's not including the garage which is basically a huge storage room. Then I feel guilty because they are both still here  . . . and here I am thinking like that.

I hear setting a match to it may be good.

My sister and I have a LOT to talk about.

AUGH!

Let's see if I can actually recreate the moment and the frustration.

For this conversation to be somewhat understood, mom will be in red, dad will be in blue and I will be in black:

Are we going to Walmart now?

Yes, we need some food.

What are we having for dinner.

Salmon with rice and asparagus.

White rice?

Yes.

Can we change it to pasta? I can find more nutritious pasta than white rice.

OK, but I don't want it uncooked like at your sister's last night.

You got some uncooked pasta?

Yes, it was uncooked.

Crunch-crunch

Why didn't you say something or trade it for some that was better cooked?

That would be rude.

It would be rude to say something but you would eat something you don't like?

Yes, it would be rude.

What's the big deal? Sis wouldn't care.

Yes, she would. You wouldn't understand.

She won't kill herself over it.

Ay, Ignacio. It is rude.

You would eat something you don't like just not to be rude?

I didn't eat it.

What? I don't get it.

Moved it somehwre on the plate.

THAT's not rude?

No.

But saying something is?

Yes.

Even if it was crunchy?

It wasn't crunchy.

You said it was. You said crunch-crunch.

You know how I exaggerate.

Can I just say I was incredibly frustrated with them?

Want to know the big deal? Sis likes to cook her pasta "al dente" like I do. Mom and Dad think that is uncooked. We cooked the pasta the way they liked it today. Basically, almost mashed potatoes to my taste.

I didn't say anything about it.

It would be rude.

A day well done

Went to the YMCA today. See, I don't want to stop exercising. The last time I did my blood pressure shot up more than I care to admit. So I had to buy a month's membership at the YMCA since they won't sell me two weeks. Anyhow, they have these great elliptical machines that you can  plug your iPod into (I have a video iPod) and you can watch the TV show or movie that you have on your iPod on the machine's TV.

Been watching season 1 of the new Doctor Who. Already seen it on the tube mind you (BBC America and the SciFi channel) But it is such a brilliant series I love to watch the episodes over and over. (Or like Rose would say "ova' and ova' " - character from the series).

Came back, and then went away again to buy am outdoor solar light for mom and dad. They need it. Oh, they do have a porch light, but this would be for the driveway, so pilot mom can tell co-pilot dad where to go when he is driving them home, even thought he is not supposed to be driving around in the dark.

Went well. I also found a repair kit for their leaky water hose. Then I bought something to help them water the plants. No gun looking thing since their arthritis flares up if they hold something for a while.

Water hose fixed, solar light still not up (it is 110 here! For any European readers: 43 C). And I tried to see how to water the plants. SUCKS. That thing is great for smaller spaces, not for a yard. So I tried to talk with dad about it.

He loves to just place the hose out there, let it puddle, and then move it somewhere else. He does not like the sprinklers. Won't really explain why. My guess? Too complicated of a thing.

Gotta love them.

Random thoughts

Getting old is strange. I am becoming a bit paranoid right now. If I have an ache, could it be bad? My chest hurts, is it my heart? My back hurts, kidneys? I feel my heart beat, am I dying? But why now???

I swear. I think definitely part of it is mom and dad being sick. And a big part if it is that I have never had body aches, only after I workout or do some physical work like moving a friend, etc.

I just get all paranoid about the aches and pains and wonder if and when I am next.

Added to that, I feel like I am in Puerto Rico. Mom and dad kept the old furniture from when they lived there. So I flash to an island feel when I am here, specially this morning, speaking Spanish, sun is out, shinny new day . . . typical PR breakfast of junk food - not really, jut some bread, melted cheese and some cod fish on it (although I did have cereal earlier) and coffee (decaf for us now). And then I turn on the TV and here it is, English.

I think I want to go back and visit the island.

I told you this was random.

Let's add to it - go here.

And more traveling news

Its been a pretty good few days. Basically, I have been doing all I can to make sure mom doesn't do a thing. She can't really, she is not supposed to do anything. Right. Tell her that.

We've been shopping, spending time watching TV. I brought and bought a whole bunch of movies (several Hitchcock's - mom's favorite director) We still haven't watched any of them. Tonight, a party at my sister's for Bekah's birthday (Rebekah is my middle niece) But at least mom has been resting and relaxing as much as I can get her to do.

My sister came over yesterday and we chatted for a while about both mom and dad. Dad's cancer is basically asleep, for now. He still has it, mind you, the treatment merely stopped it for now.

Mom has three different cancers. Each one started on it's own. The doctor is talking about treating the breast cancer first. Possibly chemo. Oh, mom won't like that. Mom likes her hair and primping herself. It will be a tough time for her.

To be honest. I am scared. THREE different cancers? THREE? Really? 

And dad's is not in remission, per se, merely taking a damned nap.

Yes, I am scared. Scared of losing both parents in one swift shot. Scared of suddenly realizing its here and they are gone. Scared that I am not spending enough time with them,

Just fucking scared.

That darned phone

On a more interesting and amusing note: I got my parents a cell phone. I mean, you never know, they have an emergency, their own phone goes out, they need to call a friend on while out shopping, whatever.

Do they use it? Nope. They now have used 76 of their 450 minutes a month. And they have 1341 minutes on rollover that they have not used.

I think its kind of amusing.

Also, mom is supposed to stay put, relax, not use her arm at all so that the wound from the surgery will heal. Has she? Of course not. How do you change the habits of a couple in their late 70s.

News just travel

Here in OKie land with my folks. Mom is recovering from her surgery and dad is trying to help, as much as he can (which some times makes for amusing moments since dad is the typical dad). Dad made some "asopao" with shrimp. Wow, the man can cook. Although his had a lot of rice.

Anyhow, the news. The numbers are down for dad, way down. But that was expected since he has started on the treatment.

Mom's has spread. She now has lymphoma. They have no idea what that meant. (Mom and Dad I mean)

I know what it means . . . now. It will be very difficult to get rid of it and we may be looking at a very short time around. The more I read, the worse the news gets.

I'll be here for two weeks taking care of them. Helping them out. Just being here. I need to spend time with them and realize, it won't be long now.

Sorry so grim.

Just a Saturday

I have so many little things to do for work and yet, I find time to add to my blog. I have been trying to get my car repaired. Nothing major, although you'd think it were due to the price. New tires yesterday. Checked on a new exhaust system ($400). But nothing can be done because the parts place is not opened on Saturdays. Instead, I took Federico (my dog) for a nice long walk and then took him to a doggie wash. Yes, an actual place to go take your dog for a wash.

He looks nice. Smells good. But now he is outside because he wants to lay in the dirt.

Wednesday I am headed over to Norman, OKie land. My family lives up there. Long story for that. I am going to take over taking care of my parents, or watching out for them, for my sister. See, both mom and dad have cancer. Dad's is prostrate. Mom's second bout is with breast cancer. Her first was colon cancer years ago. I don't have the latest details.

My parents are not very good at providing detailed information. Why? I don't know. My mother is VERY good at keeping information just so no one else worries. I still remember her telling me not to let my grandmother know what was going on at home so she wouldn't worry. Maybe she is doing that with me.

Luckily my sister, who lives nearby, keeps me in the loop with all the latest and what the doctors actually said.

Its hard to see them get old. My dad was pretty active overall. Now he shuffles and falls asleep so quickly.  Mom is still pretty active. She is still teaching. Although, for now, she won't teach a summer session at OU because of the surgery and recovery and treatment.

I am taking plenty of movies so we can enjoy the nights. I am also preparing myself mentally. As much as I love them, there are times . . . and I just keep reminding myself, they may not be here next summer. Somehow, that gives me more patience.

Puts things into perspective it does. It shows me what is really important. 

OK, hope to be able to keep up with this and that someone may be reading it. Or not.

Why?

So here I am pushing 50 and decided to share my life with whoever is out there.

Me? Cuban, American citizen, grew in Puerto Rico, have lived in Spain and England, Spanish teacher at a better to do high school in the ATX.

So why now? Well, I am seeing mortality in the face. As far back as I can remember, there were nights when the thought of me dying would make me jump out of bed and run around the house to keep it out of my mind. Yes, I do mean when I was little. I used to cry when my mom sang me to sleep because I knew some day she would die. Seriously, I did. 

Something about the whole Catholic heaven and hell maybe? Maybe. I am a Catholic. Probably will die one too.

Now, I am sincerely looking at it and seeing there is a bit more behind than ahead. Funny how that works. Yeah, those night thoughts do come by to visit and they do shake me up a bit. But I don't get up and walk around the house. I enjoy the bed too much now and just lay there, praying, thinking something else, listening to the new agey music that helps me sleep. Oh sure. with the advances medicine is doing now, you could live to 100. So I'm semi-officially middle aged now. Oopteedoo.

What makes all this even more delightfully weird is that, since I teach these teenagers, many of them (after they graduate) become my friends, hang out with me, and it all warps the way you see life. I do like them, by the way. I became a teacher because I like teenagers. Now that makes me weird, I know. But I do enjoy them. So much in fact that I am involved with the youth program at my church. Taught cathequism last year, doubt I'll do it this year. Way too much of a hassle. But I will be involved with retreats and youth group Sundays too.

At my age any new pain, I get to imagining it is something bad. My back hurts, could it be bad? Could it really be something else? Yeah, paranoia can easily set it.

Getting a semi foggy picture of me? Hope so. I'll be adding more as time goes on.

enjoy.