I wish . . .

I wish I could learn from what I know. Like moments are more precious that gifts. Cause gifts can and will be returned by people. Or they may not want them.

I wish I could change people's minds. But that's impossible. So, even though you are frustrated, you go on and let it be. How they react is not your doing.

I wish I knew why.

I wish I could have an answer every time.

I wish they knew how scared I felt. How terrified I felt at the thought of losing them. At the thought that I didn't do enough for them. At the mere idea that maybe I could have done more. Or maybe been there more. Or just more.

I wish I could talk about it. But talking about it makes me feel worse. Impending doom on the horizon.

I wish I could cry every time I feel this way.

I wish it wouldn't hurt.

I wish I could see past it.

I wish the lump on my throat and the weight on my chest would go away.

Adventures in gift giving

Let's see if I can explain . . . and if it makes ANY sense. So, I decided to buy my folks a flat screen TV. Their TV is old, the colors are blending, the image is not sharp . . . well, its about time. So, we went to Walmart for some other stuff.

We walk over to the TVs. I tell them, "OK, which one do you like and which one would be better? This one or this one? (pointing out a couple of flatscreens)"

Mom: "Oh, don't do that. It is not necesssary"

Me: "Yes it is. That TV is old"

Mom: "But its working fine. Use the money for something you need."

Me: "I need to buy you this."

Mom: "No, no. Don't do that. Its fine"

Dad meanwhile is quiet.

After a bit of back and forth same argument . . .

Mom: "OK, we need a computer"

Me: "That's about $2000. I did not PLAN on that. I made plans for something else. I had it all figured out and planned out."

Mom: "Save the money. Put it in your savings and use it for something else. For your train rides here."

Me: "Yeah, like a train ride costs $350"

Dad: "I think the TV is bolted into the cabinet"

Me: "Never heard of that dad"

Mom: "No, really. I think it is"

Me: "Fine, we'll put it like I have mine . . . on TOP of the old TV"

Dad: "But the TV fits into that cabinet so well. It'll have a space at the top cause that flat screen is smaller"

Me: "Mom can fill it in with her fake plants and flowers."

really, their best argument is that stupid cabinet and a hole?

I tried to explain that what I heard was "No, we don't want you giving us a present. We don't want it."

Finally I told them to drop it. Don't want to hear it.

Mom: "The best present we have is you . . ." (yada, yada, yada . . . I know the rest of the story).

Me: "I said drop it"

Mom: "OK, sorry."

Why are parents so difficult?!

Honestly . . . here was my plan . . . a flat screen TV, plug in my computer (I have a LOT of movies in Spanish), easy and fun TV watching and family time AND they end up with a much better TV.

Side note: At least mom allowed me to buy an adaptor to go from my computer to their old TV.

And a funny note - mom mentioned that they could use a new remote cause their old one did not work. I had to say "Oh, for that ancient TV that you two have that works so well?"