The week is gone, the week is gone oh baby (With respect to BB King)

Week one

Had a dream last night. I was in a jungle. There was something behind the trees. I could hear it. It was seeking me and I was seeking it. It was big, massive even. Trees broke when it moved. It was close to me. I could feel it. Woke up before I found out what it was.

Darned bladder.

It could have been the ghost of Robert "Bob" Marley (brother of Jacob) warning me what was ahead and why I needed this event in my life. Could have been the ghost of Oklahoma past letting me see what life I had before I came here. Or the ghost of Oklahoma present showing me what I have and what I may need to do. Or the ghost of Oklahoma future, showing me all the possibilities of what I could do ... might do ... also, won't do.

All in all its been an interesting week. I began my new life, in a way, by starting a techno blog for teachers and looking into how to become a consultant. I also looked into the new Cristo Rey school being built in OK City. Became a member of the YMCA and explored some places of this city. Got a parking permit for OU since I will, from time to time,  drive mom into campus. Or maybe I will work on my Master's ... in Education Technology (Yes, they have that).

I did find myself searching for my Texas accent ... I have it, I just don't use it. Didn't need it in Texas. Hell, I'm Texan, why would I?

I am trying to set myself apart from this place.

I am trying to set roots in this place.

It still feels like I am on vacation. It still doesn't feel like "home." I have enjoyed seeing the kiddos and they enjoy seeing me ... which is good. I have enjoyed seeing most of the family. I know this city, hell, it's a grid. Hard to get lost here. My stuff should be here already, thanks to PODS. I just need to feel like this is home.

"When I think of home

I think of a place where there's love overflowingI wish I was homeI wish I was back there with the things I been knowing


....

Suddenly my world's gone and changed it's face
But I still know where I'm going
I have had my mind spun around in space
And yet I've watched it growing

Oh, If you're list'ning God
Please don't make it hard to know
If we should believe in things that we see
Tell us, should we run away
Should we try and stay
Or would it be better just to let things be?

Living here, in this brand new world
Might be a fantasy
But it taught me to love
So it's real, real to me

And I've learned
That we must look inside our hearts to find
A world full of love
Like yours
Like mine
Like home..."

(From The Wiz - Movie - 1978 - "Home")

New life continues

Day 3

"The road is long, with many a winding turn, that leads to who knows where"

It has been two days at home with mom. Could this be considered a "honeymoon" period? So far so good. Although she is still trying to get stuff that I like, buy stuff that I enjoy, buys the dinners out ... almost like I am still a guest. Am sure things will improve from here. Well, they have to.

Yesterday I got a bug up my keister and decided to start the "next life" - started a techno blog, started on my web page, worked on how to make myself sound more official ... I know that I KNOW the material and how to use it. I just need to make sure people that look at it believe that I do also.

Today seems a more relaxed day. Just hanging about. Watching TV. Cooking. Eating (too much of that). Checking on the phone. Wondering what my friends are up to.

I do think of my friends. I do think of my old hood. I do think of what I would be doing right now ... well, retired - I'd be home figuring out new things to do. Non-retired - I'd be at school teaching Spanish 3 and 4.

I miss the grind, I miss the schedule, I miss the daily routine. More than anything, I miss the daily routine. I must make a new routine that I can live with and that will be my new routine from now on. No one tells you much about that when you retire. Oh, there is advice, always, but not that you will miss that which you complain much about. We are funny beings us humans.

Another thing that I do miss, from home, is space ... space to move around, space to walk around ... between big furniture, extra furniture, can't get rid of furniture ...  and another human being around here, it is a squeeze in between and a let me go around this.

Life continues.

The new life - here we go

Day 1

I arrived in Norman, OKieland yesterday.

I now stay here.
I now live here.
I now am resident here.
I now am trying to convince myself of this change.

I think the hardest part is convincing mom that I do not need for her to take care of me. I lived 30 some odd years by myself (mostly) and can take care of things, I am not an invalid and I do not want a "maid" of sorts. Oh, yes, she loves it and wants to ... I just don't love it or want her to.

I need to look for my next lifestyle, my next life, what to do, what to do. I do not want to retire to a rocking chair and have nothing to do but be a meddling old fart.

The thing I fear the most is the friendships I left behind. They are elsewhere and away from me. Social media takes care of a lot. Still. I am trying to avoid thinking about it cause it sends my mind whirling.  I may not be the greatest at getting in touch with people but once in a while I did, or I'd comment on something or whatever.

I just liked the security friendship blanket.

I feel naked here.

I know I have my family. I know I have the few people I know. It's just the lack of other things to do that create trouble. I want to be busy! Making something. Making money. Making trouble. Don't care. I just want to make busy and get going.

I miss that. I miss the business. I miss the working. I miss the having to be somewhere at some time for some period of time.

Get the flow of thoughts? Well, stick around. More to come.

How time changes things

Well, here I am.
Fifty-seven years old.
A high school teacher for thirty years; twenty-seven in the same school.
A thirty-eight year Texan.

And now I retired.
I want to spend time with my mother, I want to be with my family in Oklahoma, I want to move on to something new.

So here I am.

In the process of moving and preparing what to do. And we all know how that goes ... What do I keep? What do I sell? What do I give away? What do I throw away? Why am I losing my mind? Why do I feel stressed? Do I really need to go through this?

Can I just set fire to the whole damned thing and say done?

Coming up ... It'll be a whole new world ... A new fantastic point of view ... Cause I will be living with mom. She hasn't had anyone live with her since dad passed away.

It will be a difficult transition. For both. 

Mom has not had someone live with her in the last two years. She is used to her way of doing things and her way of preparing things.

It will be different for me too. I have never had a roommate. Now I'll have one. My mother. I need to start seeing her as my roomie (her suggestion) and not so much as my mom.

We've already had a couple of rough sessions, and I haven't even moved in yet! 

She assures me that in the fall since she will be teaching a class, I can have some time to myself to work out, watch tv, whatever.

I wanted a change. I wanted something different. I got it. 

Silent night

It's the first Christmas without Papy. And it has been relatively smooth.

Relatively being in the eyes of the beholder.

I've been ensuring mom feels fine and gets all her stuff done. Lately, she's been getting tired quickly. She's telling me it's tougher than usual to get things done. That she will look at her budget and see if she can survive with what she makes. That things just take too long lately. That she feels so slow.

It really breaks my heart. I remember Mom being so active and energetic. And now to watch her slow down. It feels strange. And scary too.

I think part of it is not having dad around to help her or having dad to be taken care of. I don't know. All I know is that I do see her slowing down.

The relatively attacks.

We went to midnight Mass. A small group since nephew and niece in law were in OK City, oldest niece and nephew in law are in Tulsa and youngest niece and nephew in law are in Europe. 

Just Sis, Bro in law, middle niece, mom and I.

Oh, and Dad.

I felt him next to me at church.

I could not sing.

I choked.

I covered it up with a "cough" and throat clearing.

When those waves come through, I have the hardest time not falling apart. It takes a lot of concentration just not to cry, not to break down. Yeah, I am wrong, am sure, in may ways. I try to maintain for mom's sake. I have no idea if she can tell or if she knows, but I just feel that i need to be strong and hang in there for her sake.

And those waves are trying so hard to break down the dam.

And they come ... strong .... steady ... plowing at me.

And I hold back. And my voice cracks when singing. And I think of other things.

And I know.

It'll come back.

Ouch. Guilt.

Today I was around the house ... making sure some things that mom had mentioned got done. I decided to even make something to eat cause I thought it'd be nice to have something done.

Well, she cried. Its all still too fresh. She mentioned how nice it was to have someone meet her at home. Which makes me feel guilty cause I can't. And I love this lady a lot ... a lot.

Didn't help that when she got home on the service bus, she introduced me to the bus driver. She said "Oh, I know ... he looks like his father."

I made dinner for the two of us. Some black beans and rice (bacon added for flavor) and some leftover pork. 

Later last night, we did the night prayers she so loves. Even with yawning as much as she did, cause she is exhausted after work, we got through it all.

She loves to give and not think about things. But once in a while something breaks through. Its still fresh. Its been what? Almost 7 months?

And something did.

Her emotions affect her much more than she'd admit. She woke up feeling bad this morning.

Which makes me feel bad for her. So many little things to do around the house. I want to do them and help her. But I don't want to leave her alone.

Guilt is oh so much fun.

Six months ... and baseball.

Its been six months since dad died. I will say that it hasn't been the toughest but, there are times ... like waves ... they come ... the feelings, the lump in the throat, the watery eyes ... when I do miss him.

And I do miss him.

I miss being able to talk baseball with him. With A-Rod doing all his crazy stuff ... Oh, dad and I would have eaten that up.

I miss sharing all the good things that have happened to me ... the trip to Seattle, the leadership at school. I know Dad would be proud. And I need to hear that or feel that once in a while, specially my dad's.

I miss hearing him cough ... although lately when I cough I hear him. I miss hearing his sneezes, he had the LOUDEST sneezes anywhere.

A few weeks ago, I was listening to NPR, as I do every morning to wake me up, and they started talking about the World Series and who would go, what the teams were like ... and I lost track of what else because the lump in my throat got to be a bit tough to just swallow it down and move on.

Is it possible to feel someone who's moved on by you? Well, I did. My dad was next to me. My dad was right there next to me. I felt his presence just next to my shoulder.

I really wished I could have talked with him about it. About the teams, why the Yankees did not do well this year, what the hell is up with A-Rod ... and I know he would have had some amazing words about all of it. Dad had the history down, he knew all the facts and the reasons for things.

I know not many people think of baseball as America's sport. Others think it slow and boring. Others think it needs to taken out to pasture.

Not me. It reminds me of my dad, of a slow and careful pace, of a life full of wisdom and care ... of a man who, in his own way, taught me how to be a man, a mechanic, a team player ... so much.

I miss you dad.