I enjoy seeing my parents. I have no guilt about not spending enough time with them, or calling them more often, or being present for them while here. I really don't.
The guilt comes in from them wanting to make me happy.
And it doesn't.
I just feel guilty.
Let me explain. We go to the Walmart, which seems to be a great place for them, and I see let's say some cheese I like. I mention I like this cheese, that its really good.
"Get it. We'll pay for it."
"No really, its ok, its too much and I'm leaving *soon* (tomorrow, day after, etc)"
"We'll eat it. Its ok"
So we get it.
And we eat some, not all.
There's a chuck left in the fridge.
And I leave.
And I come back.
And the cheese is still there.
The whole chuck that was left after we ate some.
Only now its green.
Guilt sweeps in, smiles and lets me enjoy the moment.
Its Easter.
"Let me buy you some stuff. I want you to look good."
"No, mom, its ok. I brought some clothes."
"No, really, let us. We'll enjoy giving you these"
"Fine, but we go discount"
They bought the boots. At a discount. I made sure.
Now for some shirts and pants oh and a tie ... don't forget the tie. They bought the pants and shirt. I bought the tie and a belt for these new pants. They paid more than I did, take my word for it.
Its my only way to not feel guilty.
I am not bragging.
I am not wanting to do this.
I am not enjoying this.
THEY are on a fixed income.
THEY are always needing money.
THEY are old and have plenty of illnesses.
THEY don't need to be paying for my stuff.
So I feel guilty.
Drive to the liquor store to get some wine for tomorrow.
"And get some beer you like."
Why? because I am here? Because they feel guilty for me that I am alone? (although at times a bit lonely, I honestly do not mind it).
When I come visit, its like the second coming, I am hugged and loved and oh so good you are here every twenty minutes and squeeze my hand while driving and so glad you are here and .... I am just a freaking human being. I am not doing anything outside of what I expect myself to do for them. I am not doing some horrendous sacrifice (although the trip is a bit long, its no biggie ... rest stops and such help).
I feel guilty.
I feel bad.
And then I just let them do it.
It makes them happy.
They smile when they do it.
They enjoy taking care of me.
It seems to hurt them when I don't.
So I pay for a few things and they pay for a few things.
And my guilt secedes.
Some.
